Survey

• Maybe I should…be more pro-active about some stuff.
• I love the smell of…rain.
• People would say that I…(actually, I don’t want to know what people would say about me).
• I don’t understand why…I’m so scared to step outside the box and not worry about what my parents think.
• When I wake up in the morning…I get up and get going. I hate lounging in bed.
• I lost my will power to…eat healthier. I really need to get that back.
• Life is wonderful with…love.
• My past made me…who I am today.
• I get annoyed when…I get told I’m not capable of doing my job.
• Parties are not…my cup of tea.
• Dogs are…terrifying, but I don’t hate them.
• Cats…can bug me.
• Tomorrow I am going to…work.
• I have a low tolerance for…ignorance.
• I’m totally terrified of…dogs.
• I wonder why I thought my life would be…totally different than what it is now.
• Never in my life…will I regret anything.
• High school was something that…was no fun.
• When I’m nervous…my stomach hurts.
• Take my advice…live love laugh.
• Making my bed is…something I have to do every morning.
• I’m almost always…reading.
• I’m addicted to…books and photography.
• I want someone…to find me an amazing job.

 

The one where I do some soul searching

I had a chat yesterday with someone I admire very much about some work stuff that has been bothering me and he made some very good points.

-Nobody can live your life for you. This is so true. I look at my parents and think that they aren’t living their life. They, especially my mom, want someone else to do it for them. I don’t want someone else to live my life for me. I have to be pro-active and take action and do the things I want to do. There is some risk involved in this, but I’m okay with that.

-Taking risks is ok. It’s not the end of the world. This is going to be a hard one for me, at first. I like stability in my life. I like to know what’s going to happen. But I’m learning that sometimes knowing isn’t everything and most of the time we can’t really know what’s going to happen. John Lennon once said that life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. I think I spent so much time making plans and making sure I did everything right that I missed out on some possibility. I don’t want to live that way anymore. It just isn’t working for me.

-Nobody knows you better than you know yourself. Even though you can never really know your whole self all the time, you are the only one who can know what you truly need and want. I am the only one who knows my hopes, my dreams, my desires.

-Don’t live your life so that you will feel regret in 20 years about what you didn’t do. In the grand scheme of life, those things don’t matter. What matters is that you did what you loved and lived out your dreams. I feel like I’m not doing that right now. I’m at a job that I don’t even particularly like anymore and that needs to change. But I’m the only one who can change that. Nobody is going to come along and do it for me. However, yesterday, I was given the push I needed to do some thinking and searching and figure out what I truly want to do with my life.

At this point, I don’t want to discuss what I’m pondering, because it’s a journey I have to take on my own. I’ll probably be making myself scarce and journaling in a more personal way for a while until I find my niche.

If you have anything less than stellar to say about this, save it. This is not in reference to a specific person (or people). It’s just a general disclaimer. Thank you.

 

The check is in the mail

For real. I just sent in a check for a large sum of money to pay off the remainder of my student loan. I won’t tell you what the sum of the check was, because it was large and it hurt to write a check out of my oh-so-large Capital One savings account. I don’t know what I was saving all that money for but it was nice to know it was there.

At any rate, the check is written and the student loan is paid off. I think I’ll celebrate by buying a new ipod.

 

News From Room 202

Room 202 is my classroom at work. I do not reside there, however, and only one or two pieces of news is actually work related.

1. I found out yesterday that we’re not allowed to let the kids just play when we go outside from 4:00-5:00. We have to come up with games and stuff for them to do. All because one of the staff kids told his mother he was bored outside. So now, we have to cram them into a tiny box of doing things our way and not letting them be creative and use their imagination. We’ve done a few things, but they get bored after five minutes. Frankly, I think they just want to run around and yell. And we should let them. They are still four, after all. When I was four, I went to school maybe two days a week and fingerpainted all day and was allowed to use my imagination. And I turned out just fine.

2. Teacher appreciation week is coming up. Each room had to get two parents to commit to coordinating the week for us. Two of our least involved parents signed up for our room, so we’ll see. I’ll keep you posted.

3. I am so ready for a vacation it’s not even funny.

4. I babysat twice last weekend: once for the rabbi’s grandkids, which was so much fun. I absolutely adore Zoe and Jake. I also babysat for Grace, which was hard. She tested every limit and pushed every button she could possibly push. But whatever. Odds are high that I will do it again, if asked. I think she just needs to get used to me.

5. I’m planning a fourth of July party. It will be the first party I’ve ever given and I’m excited. Hopefully it won’t be a bust and people will actually want to come.

 

What a surprise!

It’s windy. Again. Or still. I’m not even sure at this point. All I know is that I woke up with a headache. The kind of headache that feels like it’s going to last for three days because it has nothing better to do.

Also, I really fucking hate my job. It bugs me to go to work everyday. I literally dread it. I daresay I dread it more than camp. Well, maybe not. No, definitely not more than camp. I would look for a new one, but the odds of finding one are slim and none, so I will soldier on. (Please don’t feed me a line of crap about how I should be grateful I even have a job and I should take the experience for what’s it worth. I’ve heard all that before and none of it is true. When an experience becomes so bad that you want quit, you are no longer taking anything valuable from it).

I need a vacation. But I won’t get one until June. And then I’ll be stuck here anyway because my dad’s mother is coming to visit. Which basically means I get to give up my room for five days and listen to her judge everyone and tell my parents what a crappy job they’re doing because they don’t let my brother and I be independent.

Please don’t try to leave encouraging comments and cheer me up. Odds are high that it isn’t going to work right now.

 

Happy Happy Joy Joy

*I think that phrase was from Ren and Stimpy, but I could be wrong.

Some stuff that is making me happy lately:

1. Juno. I bought it on dvd today and cannot wait to watch it.

2. Dayenu. This song just makes me happy. I listen to it obsessively; at least once a day, but usually two or three times. Plus, it’s my ringtone on my phone that never rings so I haven’t actually heard how it sounds as a ringtone. Because I love it so much and it’s Passover, I’m sharing it with everyone who reads this blog. Dayenu means “it would have been enough” in Hebrew. So, dayenu to life. It is enough right now.

3. Anything related to photography. I am dying to hit the bookstore and get some more National Geographic Field Guides. I’m reading the travel one right now and have gotten some good tips. It’s making me even more excited for Alaska this summer…I cannot wait to take pictures. AND, I found out there’s an old cemetery in one of the ports we’re going to, which thrills me no end. I’m just odd enough to get excited about photographing a cemetery.

4. This sedar plate and this sedar plate. I just discovered Gary Rosenthal through my new Lilith Magazine and I’m hooked. He’s got some gorgeous stuff that I wish I could have now. But since my mother thinks all religions are cults, I have to keep my spirituality and faith (even though she’s Jewish, too) under wraps until I move out. She thinks it’s weird that I like being Jewish and enjoy the stuff that goes along with it.

5. Being organic and vegetarian. I had coffee today and feel like crud. I guess it’s back to Passion Tea Lemonade for me, which is fine, since it’s less calories anyway.

6. 84 days until we cruise. Still not getting too excited, but soon. Don’t get me wrong. I’m excited and can’t wait to go, but 84 days is a long time. Good thing I’m working all summer. I’d go insane if I was going to be home for the summer.

 

bits of randomness

1. I was on iTunes last night looking for some new Jewish music. I’ve been wanting something other than covers of the prayers that I know so well. I found lots of great stuff, but I also found that nearly all of the Jewish music at iTunes is filed under Christian and Gospel. I can assure that the Jewish music I listen to is neither Christian nor Gospel. Surely there must be someone at Apple who is Jewish and can set these people straight. There are even reviews on there stating that the music is filed under the wrong genre.

2. I got this quote in my e-mail yesterday and thought it was really fitting for how I’m feeling right now: Instead of judging, start accepting yourself with all the imperfections, all the frailties, all the mistakes, all the failures. Don’t ask yourself to be perfect. That is simply asking something impossible, and then you are feeling frustrated. You are a human being. (Osho, 1931-1990, Indian Spiritual Leader)

3. Cool stuff about Israel

4. The wind is wearing on my nerves. I’ve had a headache off and on for three days now. I can’t breathe through my nose and I just want to sleep. Could someone please turn the wind machine off?

5. 88 days until we cruise. It’s almost time to start getting really excited, but not quite yet.

I think that’s it for now.

 

on the outside looking in

but what else is new? I always feel like I’m on the outside looking in. I’m missing out on doing fun stuff with my friends (and I’m rapidly losing those friends, or so it seems). I go months, even years, without talking to or seeing my friends. It doesn’t help that they don’t live here, through no fault of their own.

Some days I’ve got half a mind to just pack it up and move to a completely new place and go it alone. But that terrifies me, a little bit. I just know that I need a change. I’ve been questioning a lot of things lately and I’m just not sure how to go about making the changes I know I need to make.

So, if you’re reading this, it’s not directed at anyone specific. It’s just some general thoughts I’ve been having about the people that I have (or don’t have) in my life at the moment.

 

by the numbers

92 days until we cruise.

30 before 30 is complete, including links for some things.

4 more Sundays of religious school. This makes me happy and sad at the same time. I had fun doing it, but I’m excited to have new kids and revamp my entire program. I’m planning to start on this pretty soon. I learned a lot, but I still have a lot more to learn and figure out.

 

obsessed+addicted

gen-soy protein bars

fruit punch vitamin water

music

i love lucy

trying to become organic+no meat (it’s really hard, by the way, for some reason)

keeping up with the kardashians

traveling

books+reading