• Maybe I should…be more pro-active about some stuff.
• I love the smell of…rain.
• People would say that I…(actually, I don’t want to know what people would say about me).
• I don’t understand why…I’m so scared to step outside the box and not worry about what my parents think.
• When I wake up in the morning…I get up and get going. I hate lounging in bed.
• I lost my will power to…eat healthier. I really need to get that back.
• Life is wonderful with…love.
• My past made me…who I am today.
• I get annoyed when…I get told I’m not capable of doing my job.
• Parties are not…my cup of tea.
• Dogs are…terrifying, but I don’t hate them.
• Cats…can bug me.
• Tomorrow I am going to…work.
• I have a low tolerance for…ignorance.
• I’m totally terrified of…dogs.
• I wonder why I thought my life would be…totally different than what it is now.
• Never in my life…will I regret anything.
• High school was something that…was no fun.
• When I’m nervous…my stomach hurts.
• Take my advice…live love laugh.
• Making my bed is…something I have to do every morning.
• I’m almost always…reading.
• I’m addicted to…books and photography.
• I want someone…to find me an amazing job.

I had a chat yesterday with someone I admire very much about some work stuff that has been bothering me and he made some very good points.

-Nobody can live your life for you. This is so true. I look at my parents and think that they aren’t living their life. They, especially my mom, want someone else to do it for them. I don’t want someone else to live my life for me. I have to be pro-active and take action and do the things I want to do. There is some risk involved in this, but I’m okay with that.

-Taking risks is ok. It’s not the end of the world. This is going to be a hard one for me, at first. I like stability in my life. I like to know what’s going to happen. But I’m learning that sometimes knowing isn’t everything and most of the time we can’t really know what’s going to happen. John Lennon once said that life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. I think I spent so much time making plans and making sure I did everything right that I missed out on some possibility. I don’t want to live that way anymore. It just isn’t working for me.

-Nobody knows you better than you know yourself. Even though you can never really know your whole self all the time, you are the only one who can know what you truly need and want. I am the only one who knows my hopes, my dreams, my desires.

-Don’t live your life so that you will feel regret in 20 years about what you didn’t do. In the grand scheme of life, those things don’t matter. What matters is that you did what you loved and lived out your dreams. I feel like I’m not doing that right now. I’m at a job that I don’t even particularly like anymore and that needs to change. But I’m the only one who can change that. Nobody is going to come along and do it for me. However, yesterday, I was given the push I needed to do some thinking and searching and figure out what I truly want to do with my life.

At this point, I don’t want to discuss what I’m pondering, because it’s a journey I have to take on my own. I’ll probably be making myself scarce and journaling in a more personal way for a while until I find my niche.

If you have anything less than stellar to say about this, save it. This is not in reference to a specific person (or people). It’s just a general disclaimer. Thank you.

1. As per usual, work sucks. I’m pretty sure all I do is yell at the kids. They have absolutely no respect for me. I don’t know where I went wrong. Well, actually, I do know where I went wrong. I should never have become a teacher. I should have stayed on as receptionist at SNC. Sure I wouldn’t be making as much, but I’d probably be in a lot better place right now. Regardless of what I should I have done, I am always looking for a better opportunity.

2. Deleted because I suck.

3. I’m excited for the book fair next week. I will definitely be buying some new stuff, especially if they have a decent selection of Jewish books, which this particular book fair usually does.

4. Tomorrow night is the single’s dinner. I’m actually dreading it. I really don’t want to go because the odds of me meeting someone are slim, but I guess I’ll go anyway. I don’t think I could get my money back at this point anyway.

5. We leave for Alaska in 2 months, 5 days. I say bring it on. Time could not be going by any slower right now though. I mean, I’m busy, but the days are still dragging.

What were you doing 5 years ago today?

Five years ago today was May 4, 2003 and I honestly don’t remember what I was doing. I was definitely living in Tahoe. I was probably working on stuff for finals with Jamie, Roxanne, and C’Lee, although Jamie may have already left us for UNR by then.

5 snacks you love?

Geni-Soy Protein Bars, pretzels and chocolate frosting, chips and salsa, ice cream, goldfish. I know those are all bad snacks, but when I get the munchies I don’t give a crap what I eat.

5 things on my to do list today (or things I did today)?

Taught religious school, went to the library, had lunch, went to Costco, did this survey.

5 things I would do if I were a billionaire:

Quit my job and take a world cruise (I believe it’s 107 days, but there might be a longer one). Move to Washington. Travel the US for a year. Buy my parents a house. Buy a car.

5 bad habits I have:

Getting obsessed with things and ideas. Checking MySpace and Facebook way too often. Letting people bug me. Wasting time. Not living in the moment.

5 places I’ve lived:

Chatsworth, CA. Las Vegas, NV. Incline Village, NV. Moncure, NC. I haven’t even lived five places.

5 jobs I’ve had:

Courtesy clerk at Vons. Receptionist at Sierra Nevada College. Teacher’s Assistant at Shenker Academy. Jake and Zoe’s babysitter (this is my fave job).

For real. I just sent in a check for a large sum of money to pay off the remainder of my student loan. I won’t tell you what the sum of the check was, because it was large and it hurt to write a check out of my oh-so-large Capital One savings account. I don’t know what I was saving all that money for but it was nice to know it was there.

At any rate, the check is written and the student loan is paid off. I think I’ll celebrate by buying a new ipod.

Room 202 is my classroom at work. I do not reside there, however, and only one or two pieces of news is actually work related.

1. I found out yesterday that we’re not allowed to let the kids just play when we go outside from 4:00-5:00. We have to come up with games and stuff for them to do. All because one of the staff kids told his mother he was bored outside. So now, we have to cram them into a tiny box of doing things our way and not letting them be creative and use their imagination. We’ve done a few things, but they get bored after five minutes. Frankly, I think they just want to run around and yell. And we should let them. They are still four, after all. When I was four, I went to school maybe two days a week and fingerpainted all day and was allowed to use my imagination. And I turned out just fine.

2. Teacher appreciation week is coming up. Each room had to get two parents to commit to coordinating the week for us. Two of our least involved parents signed up for our room, so we’ll see. I’ll keep you posted.

3. I am so ready for a vacation it’s not even funny.

4. I babysat twice last weekend: once for the rabbi’s grandkids, which was so much fun. I absolutely adore Zoe and Jake. I also babysat for Grace, which was hard. She tested every limit and pushed every button she could possibly push. But whatever. Odds are high that I will do it again, if asked. I think she just needs to get used to me.

5. I’m planning a fourth of July party. It will be the first party I’ve ever given and I’m excited. Hopefully it won’t be a bust and people will actually want to come.

I requested Waitress from the library about three months ago (at least!) and it finally came in yesterday, so I watched it tonight. It was not as enjoyable as I had anticipated it to be. Frankly, I thought there was too much emphasis on the whole abusive husband thing. I guess I was expecting more of a triumphant girl story. Even though that’s what I got at the end, I still felt like it was lacking something.

Keri Russell did a great job in her role as Jenna. Adrienne Shelley was totally cute in her role as Dawn. I know that she died before this movie made it to the big screen, so I don’t know what her feelings would have been on it. Having not seen any of her other films, I can’t judge whether she would have been disappointed or not.

I was disappointed. It was not as cutesy and fun as I was anticipating. I did enjoy the ending, though.

My favorite quote from the movie was from Jenna. At one point, near the end, she says: I was addicted to saying things and having them matter to someone. This line totally stood out to me because I’ve so been there. It wasn’t all that long ago that I was able to start saying things and have them matter to someone. Of course, I’ve learned many times, the hard way, that sometimes the things you say to people are better left unsaid and don’t really matter to that person. In only one of those cases have I not completely regretted the things I’ve said. However, on the other hand, I’ve regretted the things left unsaid.

It’s windy. Again. Or still. I’m not even sure at this point. All I know is that I woke up with a headache. The kind of headache that feels like it’s going to last for three days because it has nothing better to do.

Also, I really fucking hate my job. It bugs me to go to work everyday. I literally dread it. I daresay I dread it more than camp. Well, maybe not. No, definitely not more than camp. I would look for a new one, but the odds of finding one are slim and none, so I will soldier on. (Please don’t feed me a line of crap about how I should be grateful I even have a job and I should take the experience for what’s it worth. I’ve heard all that before and none of it is true. When an experience becomes so bad that you want quit, you are no longer taking anything valuable from it).

I need a vacation. But I won’t get one until June. And then I’ll be stuck here anyway because my dad’s mother is coming to visit. Which basically means I get to give up my room for five days and listen to her judge everyone and tell my parents what a crappy job they’re doing because they don’t let my brother and I be independent.

Please don’t try to leave encouraging comments and cheer me up. Odds are high that it isn’t going to work right now.

Since it’s still Passover for a few more days, I thought I would share some jokes that I found in the local Jewish Reporter.

The Queen calls her ministers to remind them that the time has come to appoint three new knights. They decide on a famous author, an economist, and, for science, Sol Rabinowitz. The Minister Plenipotentiary personally calls on Sol and explains how the ceremony will proceed. First, he is to kneel before Her Majesty. She will place the sword of state on his right shoulder and he is to recite the Latin words supplied by the minister. Next, the sword will be placed on his left shoulder and he is to recite the same Latin words. Then, he is to rise, bow and kiss her hand, and so be welcomed as a Knight of the Garter, “Sir Sol Rabinowitz”, for all the world to know. The next day after the Seders, he appears at the ceremony. When he kneels and the queen places the sword on his right shoulder, Sol’s mind goes blank and all he can remember to say is “mahnish tana ha laila hazeh,” which he repeats after the sword is placed on his left shoulder. Later on at the reception, the queen asks her minist, “Why is this knight different from all the other knights?”

****

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. 45 years of misery is enough.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.” She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow! Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns triumphantly to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “The kids are coming for Passover, and they’re paying their own airfares.”